Match Report - Photos by David Glencross
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Stirling Albion
4 Alloa 0 - Scottish Division 2 3/3/07
Free First Round Paid By and Drunkest Man of the
Day:
Christopher Sharp
Pool Competition Winner:
Greig McKay, beating Christopher Sharp in a largely mismatched final
Inability To Have All His Songs Played On The
Jukebox:
Raymond McLeod (because 15 Scooter anthems in half an hour was enough)
Best Bacon Rolls:
David Sharp
Worst Comment To The Barmaid:
You know who - A high decibel shout of “SHE’D GET IT” whilst she was in
close earshot
Late Arrival To The Game Due To Not Booking The
Taxis Correctly/Couldn’t Be Arsed Leaving The Pub:
Richard Bond
Unexpected Appearance:
Motherwell Boys
Legendary Status Due To Booting Open The Fire
Exit At Forthbank And Getting Folk In For Nothing:
James Polley
Best Song To Binos:
“Where’s Your Microwave…. Far Far Away”
Being Injured but Subsequently Losing Us The
Match:
Allan Creer (groin strain) / Derek Cadger (plague)
Best Karaoke Performance In The Thistle:
Greig McKay- I Feel Fine (should have
been Candle In The Wind)
Worst Karaoke Performance In The Thistle:
Teletubbies- Timewarp Guy
Potentially Great Karaoke Performance In The Thistle:
Martyn McGhee - I Will Always Love You
Man Most Up For A Ruck:
Andrew Docherty
Ranter Of The Day:
Richard Bond
Brechin
City 2 Alloa 3
Scottish 2nd Division 27th
January 2007- The Flag Breaks Its Duck!!!!
A depleted squad of 4, and a crate of Stella Artois
make the trip north to Brechin.
We leave Alloa early doors to get a good stint in
the famous Brechin “sports bar” we have heard McGhee talk about so much.
Arrive in Brechin to find the sports bar has become a boarded up
derelict building.
After a good 10 minutes of searching, we stumble
across a place known as the Dalhousie Bar, the interior décor is similar
to that spare bedroom in your granddads house that no-one has been in
for about 30 years. It does have a dartboard though, which fills Cadger
with enthusiasm, as he fancies himself as a bit of a player in recent
times. The Andy Fordham of Kincardine swiftly requests the darts from
the bar. However Roachy teaches him a swift lesson on the dartboard, a
flawless double tops giving him the victory. Overall darts champ had to
go to Heid though, for his hilarious attempts.
Arrive at the ground just as the game is kicking
off, and despite hearing so much about it, are utterly appalled at the
state of the pitch. After assuming our position Cadger pulls out the
flag, which emits a filthy odour. So would you though if you had been to
Stirling, Stranraer then Cowdenbeath without having a wash in-between.
After a largely unsuccessful attempt at putting up the flag and being
laughed at by the locals, and playing “count the away fans (16)” we
settle down to watch the match.
Alloa start well and go one up with a good goal by
John Grant. Cadgers “1-0 to the Alloa” chant quickly comes back to haunt
us as Brechin take about 8 seconds to equalise with their first attack
of the game. Alloa keep ploughing away though, and after a few great
saves from Craig Nelson take the lead, again through Grant. A cracking
10-minute spell of abusing goalkeeper Nelson ensues, mainly comparing
him unfavourably to his legendary namesake Mark Nelson.
Alloa should have been 2 or 3 goals to the good by
this point, but right on the half time whistle Creer manages to dive out
of the way of a powerful, but perfectly straight Paddy Connelly shot and
its 2-2 at half time.
Heid was to find Cadgers Santa hat and don it for
the walk round at half time. The sight of the half canned big man
wearing a Santa hat at the end of January created a magnet-like
attraction for about 20 local neds with squeaky voices. Their
conversation soon turned to cheek, and Heid was on the receiving end of
a barrage of abuse.
The second half began and both teams seem desperate
to keep the ball off the horrible surface. As the ball flew back and
forth in the air like a hot tattie, the neds trade insults with Heid and
Cadger, providing an occasionally hilarious distraction. Here are a few
examples:
Neds: “Paedo…Paedo”
Heid: “You fucking wish”
Neds: “Can you hear the fattie sing”?
Heid and Cadger: “Can you squeak a little louder over there”
The pick of the bunch had to be Heid and Cadgers 3
minute rendition of “Stand up…if you’ve got some pubes”
The baiting however turns ugly when Heid and Cadger
are ambushed by water bombs, and as Cadger requests their ejection, he
misses the 3rd Alloa goal, a dodgy deflected shot from David
McClune, which proves to be the winner. The neds dont go quietly, but as
they leave they take any chance Brechin have to get back in the game, as
almost half their support have been kicked out of the stand.
In the closing stages of the game a few Super Al
antics have me considering a valium prescription, and Brechin have a
penalty claim turned down, but Alloa hold on for a welcome victory. On
the way out of the ground daft neds once again goad us, and the
intimidation leaves me glad I was wearing dark coloured pants.
The journey home makes Roachy feel like a taxi
driver as the boys get more and more pissed. Upon entering the Leisure
Bowl McGhee fills up a stray pint glass with his half full Stella can,
an act that would put the old jaikies that drink in The Station to
shame. By this point his eyes look like CR Smith had done some work on
them. He is promptly caught by the barmaid and miraculously not thrown
out. Neither was Heid ejected, despite falling over in full view of the
barmaid (proving my theory that it is near impossible to get thrown out
of the Bowl, and shows you what a nick Cadger must have been in at the
previous Cowdenbeath game) Cadger is just fine though, and had manages
to move onto drinking the halfs graciously and with dignity.
Lesson for the day for McGhee and Heid…bit more
practice required if you want to drink the wife beater with the big
boys.
 Cowdenbeath
5 Alloa 2
Scottish
Second Division 23rd December
2006
The day began with a man sitting on the bus all
alone (guess who)….
12 o clock start for the trip to Cowdenbeath, and
its clear from the off that many are still suffering effects from the
previous nights Christmas parties. The tired/hung-over members of the
bus were jolted to life by a still half canned Ricky in full flight.
Highlights of the journey included the announcement of the upcoming Chas
n Dave tour, and Rickys rants about selected groups in society.
We get to Cowdenbeath at around 12:45, and Cadger
immediately takes a pound off each person (to give him the most money he
had in his pocket all day) and jogged off to the local pound shop to
purchase some Santa hats for the day. Cadger and McManus (relentlessly
followed by the store detective) pulled off a gem and found Santa hats
complete with furry beards, all for the bargain price of 99p each.
During the course of the day someone purchased stock from a party shop
on the high street as well.
We entered a pub called Partners, the front window
of which contained properties for sale. This seemed mystifying at first,
but when you have a good think about it, it is probably necessary to ply
potential first time buyers with alcohol in order to persuade them to
purchase homes in Fife. Good marketing strategy.
We were in the pub a good 2 minutes, when an event
occurred which will long live in the memory of those present- Ricky was
asked for ID by the barmaid! Despite a good 20-minute scan of his dodgy
ID card, and the rest of us protesting not to serve him, the barmaid
relented, and Ricky lived to drink another pint.
The time in the pub was taken up in various ways. A
few seemed stuck to the “Deal or No Deal” pub machine, a few played pool
and a few opted to watch the Aberdeen-Rangers match on the big screen.
No surprises when Ricky opted for the latter and started to crumble
rapidly, almost asleep by half time.
Headed to the game in reasonably high spirits, and arrived at Central
Park just in time to cheer the team onto the pitch. The worst thing
about Central Park has to be the pitch being so far away, so after a few
pints it’s nearly impossible to identify players. We walked round the
ground in accordance with the changing of ends and missed the first
Cowden goal, after about 20 seconds played.
The next source of amusement arrived when we hung
the flag on the surrounding fence inside the ground. 2 stewards (who
honestly reminded me of some of the creatures Jon Voight and Burt
Reynolds had to fend off) scurried over and asked us to take the flag
down as it was “blocking the view”. This is despite the fact that we
were the only supporters taking up the full side of the ground!
Hilarious stuff. Fife finest boys in blue eventually asked us to remove
it, but joined us in pishing themselves laughing at the stewards.
Despite having a good 20 minute spell, Alloa went
in at the break 2-1 down, McKeown having converted a stonewall penalty
for Alloa, and Alloa’s defence falling asleep just before the break to
give Cowden back the lead (suspicion of offside)
At the half time interval it was reminded that a certain member had
missed the bus that day, so it seemed honourable to conduct a tribute.
Hillfoot visitor “The Beak” had purchased pornography containing mature
ladies earlier in the day (reasons unknown), and the centrefold was
proudly displayed on the surrounding fence as the 54 song rang out on
the terracing. The aforementioned banjo-playing steward marched straight
to the gents with the offending article in his back pocket, having duly
removed it to howls of derision.
As the second half began Alloa were quickly 3-1
down and the visiting crowd showed signs of dispersal to get in a pint
before the bus was due for pickup. The last of the squad left the ground
after the 4th goal. The match finished 5-2.
On the journey home it seemed 3 Proclaimers tracks
repeated over and over plus gay wrestling was the popular choice among
some (even cards would have been preferred to this) and in the melee, a
few complaints were made about Cadgers wandering hands, sparking strong
rumours that he “rattles both ways”
Back to the Bowl post match, where Ricky lasted
about 5 minutes before departing following a 5-man reel-in after yet
another Manchester United bite. As the drink flowed Cadger was asked to
leave the Leisure Bowl (no-one ever gets thrown out of the Bowl)
after a bit too much drunken stupidity and Raymond required medical
attention as a result of jumping in the “vast moshpit” with the big boys
whilst a band was playing. I think Raymond will be in the thoughts of
many, when the “2007 Dead Pool” picks are being made.
There were later sightings of the predator Cadger,
back in his natural abode of Chalmers stalking his prey, still in his
santa hat and beard, looking to empty his sack.
Stranraer 4 Alloa 2
Tennents Scottish Cup 1st Round 18th
November 2006
A 9:30 start for the trip to Stranraer. The
hilfoots boys arrive as they always do, massive carry out in tow, still
wearing the same clothes as yesterday (or in Heids case, every
day) and looking half canned from the previous evening/morning. There is
an almost immediate uproar due to McGhee deciding not to bring the flag
along, so its up the brae to get it. (This indiscretion would eventually
lead to Cadger becoming the club flag bearer.)
A very boring 3-hour journey is occupied by
drinking Merrydown and Cadgers near spot-on 2.5 litre vodka/coke mix.
The gay members of the bus have a game of cards.
After looking at the Ailsa Craig for what seems
like 3 days we finally get to Stranraer at about half past 12. We
quickly fire into a pub right next to the harbour, but after a few
minutes and a glance at our surroundings we realize that this
establishment is aimed at family orientated meals and a quiet lunchtime
drink. Not a place for guys like Cadger and McManus (who is already
looking pretty hammered at this early stage.)
We shun the Stranraer Supporters Club bar and head
across the road to a building with grated windows that resembles
a poor mans Ben Cleuch- “this’ll do” To be fair it has a pool table and
a juke box, along with extremely cheap halfs, so its more than adequate.
Cadger gets involved in games of pool with the locals, and had we left
him he would have blended in just fine with the old fat toothless
unwashed drinkers (and that’s without his Lumberjack shirt)
We are all pretty merry upon leaving (exception
McManus- absolutely leathered) and so we jump into the bus, where
Raymond offers directions to the bus driver. After a scenic tour of
Stranraer, and numerous “I’m sure this is the right way”, Raymond lets
it slip that he is looking for Station Park. Pretty close
Raymond, only about 250 miles out.
The Game- Alloa dominate early doors and McAnespie
puts them one up. Alloa then miss 2 great chances to increase the lead.
Looks like an easy day for the wasps, and comments back and forth with
Super Al include “deck chair and a fag” and “King Edward and a pair of
slippers”. Then the game turns on its head as Stranraer score a cracking
equaliser, followed by McClune receiving a red card. Stranraer number 5
elbows McClune in the face so McClune boots him. No problem with the
red, but Stranraer number 5 doesn’t even get a yellow. Half Time 1-1 and
at this point we’ll take a replay.
Stranraer score early in the second half and it
looks over. Alloa respond by punting high balls to Graeme Brown, a
mystifying tactic used often with almost always no effect. Alloa plug
away and get a break, McAnespie scoring with a brilliant shot. Replay
looks on now, if we can just hold out for 15 mins or so with 10 men.
Any hopes are dashed when Stuart Malcolm is
immediately sent off for a nothing tackle. The ref was looking for an
excuse to send Malcolm off since his early booking.
Too high a mountain to climb as Stranraer go 3-2
up. Then ex Alloa youngster Stevie Nicholls is introduced. Having just
started working next to McGhee at Diageo, the humiliating shouts of
“You’re McGhees bitch” bring out Hulk Hogan style reserves of
adrenaline, as Nicholls nets the winner, and a “get it right up ye” to
the away support for good measure.
Overall pretty disappointing to be out of the cup
at such an early stage, it will probably hurt more around
January/February, when other division 2 fans are looking forward to days
out against bigger teams. However the team played well enough.
The journey home is broken up by about 20 fag/pish
stops, a trip to the chippy in Girvan and the singing of just about
every Alloa song ever created. We eventually arrive back in Alloa at
around 9pm, where the drinking continues long into the night for some.
Shit result, good trip.
Best Pub for Food:
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